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Gm, PoopMates. This is your Craptain speaking.

Let’s cover why tap water is probably not as safe to drink as you think, along with the most common filtering options available today.

You trust it to make your coffee, wash your rice, and hydrate your dog. We drink liters of it throughout the day and shower in it too.

Tap water in the U.S. is technically “safe.” As in, it likely won’t give you explosive diarrhea from a parasite. But that’s a pretty low bar, considering it might still be giving you brain fog, hormone imbalances, skin issues, and a slow-rolling development of several other health issues.

🧪 What’s Really in Tap Water?

You can find out exactly what’s in your local water using this free tool:
🔗 EWG Tap Water Database

Enter your zip code, see the results, and cry. You’ll likely find a cocktail of:

• Chlorine – meant to kill pathogens, but also nukes your gut microbiome.

• Fluoride – still controversially added for “dental health,” despite links to thyroid dysfunction and cognitive decline.

• Nitrates – often from agricultural runoff; linked to cancer and developmental issues.

• Lead, arsenic, chromium-6 – heavy metals and industrial waste that love to hang out in old pipes and your organs.

• PFAS (“forever chemicals”) – synthetic compounds linked to endocrine disruption and cancer.

• A whole bunch of other sh*t

There are over 300+ potential contaminants found in U.S. tap water—many of which are legal at levels that should be criminal.

??? How does this happen??? Who’s letting this slide?—that’s a topic for another day.

Here are the results for the zip code I am currently residing in:

It’s also important to note that municipalities can only consider water quality from the sources, the treatment plant output, and the distribution system. They DO NOT consider the pipes inside the home or building that you are living in. Does your building have old rusted pipes? Plastic pipes? This will of course also effect the end quality of the water that comes out of your faucets.

💩 Tap Water Wrecks Your Gut

Tap water chemicals don’t just go in one end and out the other. They:

• Wipe out good gut bacteria (chlorine is an antibiotic)

• Disrupt hormone signaling (fluoride + PFAS are destroying your thyroid and kidneys)

• Compromise your intestinal lining (heavy metals + pesticides = leaky gut)

Even worse? Boiling doesn’t help. It actually concentrates many of the chemicals.

Now that you understand tap water is mid af, let’s cover the options for filtering.

But before that, a quick shout out:

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💧 Better Ways to Drink Water

1. Countertop Pitcher Filters

The most basic option. They work by filtering the water through activated carbon + a basic ion-exchange resin. Most tests reveal that these filters only remove 40-60% of contaminants.

Examples: Brita, PUR, Crystal Quest

• ✅ Cheap (~$20–$40)

• ❌ Mostly cosmetic filtering. Chlorine? Maybe. Heavy metals and PFAS? Nah, sorry.

• 🔄 Filter replacement: Monthly-ish depending on household.

2. Charcoal Gravity Filters

Water slowly drips through dense carbon block filters (often coconut shell-based), sometimes with ceramic outer shells or added media.

Examples: Berkey, Rorra, ProOne

• ✅ Removes most contaminants, including chlorine, heavy metals, and some fluoride

• ✅ No electricity required

• ❌ Slower flow rate

• 💸 ~$200–$400 upfront, ~$100/year maintenance

3. Reverse Osmosis (RO) + Remineralization

Water is pushed through a semipermeable membrane that only allows water molecules through. Other filters (sediment, carbon) are included in the system too.

Examples: countertop, under the sink

• ✅ Gold standard: removes 95–99% of everything

• ✅ Best for overall health

• ⚠️ Removes minerals too—remember to remineralize!

• 💸 Depending on model and placement, ~$250–$2k+ install, $100–$200/year upkeep

4. Buying Spring Water

You’re literally just buying natural spring water, usually from protected underground sources with natural mineral content.

Examples: Saratoga, Mountain Valley, Topo Chico, local water delivery options

• ✅ Mineral-rich, no filter needed

• ❌ Pricey, heavy, inconvenient

• 💸 ~$1–$3/gallon, unless you live next to a spring

Things to watch out for when buying a filter:

• A lot of plastic components. Unfortunately this can be hard to avoid with many of the RO options.

• Some cheap filters have actually been shown to increase particulate counts. Always check third-party certifications like NSF/ANSI.

🚿 What About Showering?

If you wouldn’t drink your tap water, you honestly shouldn’t shower or bath in it either.

• Chlorine, VOCs, and other contaminants get absorbed through your skin and lungs.

• Skin dryness, flaky scalp, and brittle hair? These could be the effect of showering with poor quality water.

• Shower filters aren’t nearly as developed as drinking water filters—they’re all pretty much the same—not great, but better than nothing. Here’s the one that use.

TL;DR

• Tap water won’t kill you today, but it quite literally could be in the long run.

• Your gut, skin, hormones, and brain will all thank you for upgrading.

• The gold standard for filtering your water: RO + remineralization.

• At minimum? Get a solid gravity filter and a shower filter.

• Cooking with tap water is the same thing as drinking it. Try not to do either.

💩 SH*TTY MEMEZ 🤣

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That’s all for today, PoopMates. Go, fertilize the Earth. The planet needs you.

DISCLAIMER: The content provided in this newsletter is for informational purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you are experiencing a medical emergency, call your doctor or dial 911 immediately.