GM PoopMates. Happy Friday.

Today we’re diving into a topic that hits close to home—our pet cats and dogs. I love them both, so fair warning: things might get heated as I call out some of the clowns compromising the health of my fluffy companions.

Let’s go.

🐱 Cats & Dogs Are OG PoopMates 🐶

You probably love your pets like most do, but we’ve also watched them lick their own buttholes, vomit on our carpets, and drag their anuses across our favorite rug like it’s a mf-ing zamboni. We’re going to answer why they do this along with signs to look out for, prevention, and treatment options in this basic guide to your pets’ gut health.

The Main Difference Between Cats and Dogs

While both dogs and cats depend on a healthy gut microbiome for digestion, immunity, and mood regulation, their evolutionary diets and digestive systems are different:

🐶 Dogs are facultative carnivores, meaning they can digest both animal and plant matter. Their guts are more flexible but are still geared towards a primarily meat-based diet.
🐱 Cats are obligate carnivores. Their guts are optimized strictly for meat—high protein, high fat, and very little to no carbs.

So, if you’re one of those psychotic vegans forcing your cat (or dog) to be vegan as well, you deserve eternal misery. Give me your pets and go adopt a cucumber, you f*cking lunatic.

🍖 Pet Food: Nature’s Diet vs. Corporate Slop

Ideal Diets:

🥩 Dogs: raw or cooked meat, bones, organs, and maybe some veggies if they’re feelin’ it.
🍖 Cats: meat, more meat, blood, bones, and meat.

What ‘Big Pet Food’ Feeds Them:

🗑️ Pulverized grain dust, “meat by-products” (aka who-the-hell-knows), synthetic vitamins to make up for all the crap, and preservatives banned in several countries worldwide.

Simply put, most of the big-name pet foods are processed carcass-flavored cereal - think prison food but for pets. Just like big food brands for humans, these pet food brands’ primary concern is not the health and well-being of your cat or dog, it’s profit. That’s why it’s just as important to read the ingredient list of your pet’s food as it is for the foods you eat yourself. Just look at the ingredients found in one of the most popular dog food brands in America:

🚫 BHA has been shown to cause cancer in rodents, likely destroys organ function, disrupts hormones, and is banned in several countries worldwide.
🚫 Natural flavors - a legal loophole for mystery slop. It’s a flavor smokescreen for low-quality food, designed to manipulate taste buds while keeping costs low.
🚫 Food coloring - Bruh, is this a joke? You think my color blind dog gives 2 f*cks what color his kibble is? WHO’S IDEA WAS THIS? Check out our previous post on toxic food dyes to learn more.
🚫 Sodium Selenite - Selenium is an essential nutrient that comes in a few different forms. Sodium selenite is the far cheaper alternative to selenium yeast, but you get what you pay for. It’s far less bioavailable with slim margins before it’s actually toxic. Fun fact: it’s also used to remove impurities in glass production.

Look, if your pets eat this stuff every once in a while, they will probably be fine. However, ask yourself this: If you were them, don’t you think you’d prefer to eat something else? 🤔

🪱 Parasites: Prevention & Treatment

Parasites are very common among household pets and can be transferred to humans as well.

Common Types:

❗ Roundworms: spaghetti from hell
❗ Hookworms: microscopic vampires
❗ Tapeworms: small rice-looking thingys
❗ Giardia/Coccidia: diarrhea specialists

Prevention:

🪱 Regular deworming (especially for outdoor pets)
🧼 Clean litter boxes and poop spots daily
💧 Provide filtered water in clean bowls (Giardia loves dirty puddles)
🥩 Avoid feeding raw meat from questionable sources. If you’re uncertain, you can try freezing it to kill parasites

Treatment:

If you suspect or notice your pet has parasites, call your vet. Treatment will most likely involve some combination of antiparasitics (fenbendazole, pyrantel, praziquantel), probiotics, and diet-adjustments of bland but nourishing foods. The good news is that most parasitic infections are quite easy to treat.

S T R E S S 😾🐶

Just like in humans, mental and emotional stress can directly mess with the digestion, immune response, and microbiome balance of both cats and dogs.

Common Stress Triggers:

🏘️ Environmental changes - new house, new baby, new satanic vacuum cleaner
😣  Separation anxiety - aka you leaving for 5 seconds
📢 Noise phobia - thunder, fireworks, etc.
🥱  Lack of mental/physical stimulation - boredom
🐩 Multi-pet tension - some pets are straight up diabolical

Solutions:

🕙 Routine—they crave it like treats
🧠 Mental stimulation—puzzle feeders, toys, walks that don’t suck
💊 Probiotics for stress—Lactobacillus rhamnosus is king
😌 Calming aids—moderate use of CBD, L-theanine, pheromone diffusers. These should be treated as a last resort.

🛑 Signs of Poor Gut Health & Treatment

The following symptoms can be due to one or a combination of stress, poor diet, and/or parasitic infections. So, it’s important to keep a close eye on your companion and schedule a check-up if you think something is up.

🚩 Red Flags:

• Chronic diarrhea or constipation

• Frequent vomiting or gagging

• Frequent SBDs (silent but deadly farts)

• Dull coat, flaky skin, or constant itching

• Lethargy, moodiness, or sudden zoomies

• Coprophagia aka munchin’ on poop

• Excessively licking their buttholes—here and there is normal, but excessive licking is a sign that something is up.

• Weight loss despite eating well

• Scooting, butt licking, or visible worms in stool 🤮

🔎 Coprophagia - Why Your Dog Eats Poop:

Because evolution is a sick joke. Sometimes it’s nutrient deficiency, sometimes it’s boredom, sometimes it’s gut imbalance, and sometimes it’s because your dog is just a freak 😏. A 2012 study found 16% of dogs are serial poop eaters. While some behaviorists say it’s “normal,” your dog probably isn’t doing this for fun. Fix the gut, fix the habit.

💆‍♀️ Treatment:

• Switch to a high-quality, meat-based diet.

• Add pet-specific probiotics

• Consider digestive enzymes for older or kibble-fed pets.

• Keep walks stimulating, not scavenging missions.

• And if all else fails—pineapple or pumpkin in meals may make poop less “appetizing”. Source? -Trust me bro 👀

TL;DR

If you’re ignoring your pet’s poop, you’re ignoring crucial insights about their health. Feed them right, stop trusting food brands that care more about profit than health, and for sh*t’s sake, keep your dog’s mouth out of the litter box.

➕ BONUS: Why Do Cats Bury Their Poop but Dogs Don’t?

🐱 Cats:
They’re evolved from wild felines who bury poop to avoid getting murdered by predators or dominant cats. It’s a survival tactic, plus they’re just dramatic about hygiene.

🐶. Dogs:
Poop = billboard. They want to scream “I WAS HERE AND I’M SIGMA AF” in scent form. I do this to my ex’s front porch regularly. 10/10 would recommend.

💩 SH*TTY MEMEZ 🤣

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That’s all for today, PoopMates. Go, fertilize the Earth! The planet needs you.

DISCLAIMER: The content provided in this newsletter is for informational purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you are experiencing a medical emergency, call your doctor or dial 911 immediately.